View Full Version : Just wondering....(CT & Drugs)
I usually come on this forum with something mildly offensive it seems, but a few years back someone on a CT myspace forum said that during the recordings of the early records like "Head over heels", Liz did a lot of acid. Is there any truth in it? I never heard of her having an issue with drugs.
Thought I'd ask....
Thackeray
Apr-6-08, 6:45 PM
I never heard or read about that one. The idea doesn't bother me.
I really don't care either way, just wondering...
Thackeray
Apr-6-08, 7:48 PM
Have you taken LSD ?
No. I don't do drugs. Why do you ask?
When I was a teenager and started listening to CT, people (especially older people who had listened to it in the 80s) used to tell me that it was a "trippy" band, and everyone associated it with drugs.
I thought I'd read somewhere years back that Liz and Robin both had a thing for speed. Robin moreso than Liz, but Liz did her share of it. They both got clean around the same time, if memory serves. I may be completely wrong about her use, though.
I once read something about heroine as well.
Thackeray
Apr-6-08, 10:47 PM
No. I don't do drugs. Why do you ask?
Because you sounded interested in it.
Because you sounded interested in it.
No, I have no interest in drugs whatsoever. I just read that on a myspace messageboard and just wanted to see if anyone else heard about it. I thought that if anyone knew, this forum would. #1 source for CT information.
starhopper
Apr-7-08, 1:54 AM
When I was a teenager and started listening to CT, people (especially older people who had listened to it in the 80s) used to tell me that it was a "trippy" band, and everyone associated it with drugs.
Maybe just those that didn't have their fingers on the pulse of music in the 80s might say that... I never heard such a thing and I was in college at the prime music era of the 80s. 83-87
mmmender
Apr-7-08, 2:12 AM
Homely, you might find these links and quotes of interest.......
"Half of Four-Calendar Cafe was written on drugs, half wasn't. See if you can figure out which halves." Robin Guthrie, Alternative Press, Feb 1994
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simon: "you can take all drugs at once, and that should be just about enough. that's how i feel about ecstasy. they are brilliant the first few times you take 'em. but then...."
robin: "you know, i mean, that was my natural state, and i was gonna get fucked up. great, i just can't do that. i can't do it. i mean, i never had been able to try it only once. insanity, repeating it, expecting it to be different.
robin: "i'd take anything really. i mean, cocaine was my drug of choice. but i would just take anything after a while" Simon & Robin Mondo 2000 Interview)
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"...too many hard drugs in the 80's has slightly confused my old mucker..."
-Robin Guthrie, December 1/03 [SOURCE: CocteauTwinsForums.com Post (http://cocteautwinsforums.com/showthread.php?p=63364#post63364)]
"[When told all releases add up to just over 8 hours of music]god how depressing! all that fuckin work for what...8 bleedin' hours..?? good grief, put it like that, no wonder we did so many drugs"
-Simon Raymonde, February 3/03 [SOURCE: cocteautwinsforums.com Post (http://www.cocteautwinsforums.com/showthread.php?p=15191#post15191)]
"send money, drugs and guns and I'll play anywhere"
-Robin Guthrie, October 22/05 [SOURCE: CocteauTwinsForums.com Post (http://cocteautwinsforums.com/showthread.php?p=193329#post193329)]
"S'funny I remember all the pre-rehab recording as if it were yesterday and the later stuff is a little more vague. I blame the sobriety..."
-Robin Guthrie, November 14/03 [SOURCE: CocteauTwinsForums.com Post (http://www.cocteautwinsforums.com/showthread.php?p=61375#post61375)]
"send money, drugs and guns and I'll play anywhere"
-Robin Guthrie, October 22/05 [SOURCE: CocteauTwinsForums.com Post (http://cocteautwinsforums.com/showthread.php?p=193329#post193329)]
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An Interview with Robin Guthrie
Brant Nelson and Pat Mannion
We got a chance to talk with Robin Guthrie (of the Cocteau Twins) before their show on the Claremont College campus last April. Robin has decided to turn over a new leaf and begin dispelling that air of mystery that has surrounded him and the band these last few years, specifically regarding his battle with drug use. A very happy and confident Robin Guthrie sat down in the bleachers behind the nearby college baseball field, ate some of our homemade cheese bread, and told us what really happened...
"I tackled my drug problem head on. I was really sick, you know. Not long for this fuckin' planet, really. I've come back a bit. and that's basically what's been making me change. I'm changing as a person, becoming a lot more open-minded to try things. I'm not locked into paranoia and fear. I'm not worrying so much about new drugs and being locked into this fear that doesn't let me try new things.
Like drummers for instance, that's a definite example. I hadn't worked with a drummer for years because I decided not to years ago. It's just like I got locked into that idea: 'We'll never have one, we don't need one. dammit!' I used to just really convince myself that it was better without one. But, it added something to our live show, just the fact that it was different. A lot of things were different without really trying. It's just, that's the way it was. But anyway, we met up with the drummer after I got clean and we tried it and it was all right. I never would have even considered it if I was still using drugs. That would have been a lack of control. I like it now. It's not a true live band as we're still playing with tracks and stuff like that.
Dewdrops, April 1994
I haven't started fucking with the sound yet. I might decide that the Cocteau Twins need a change. Actually, it's going to change—I can tell you it's going to change radically. I don't know how 'cause I haven't thought about it yet, but I feel open minded. I don't know what I want to try. Getting clean after using drugs since I was about 13 or 14 has changed my life. It's changed my perception. I don't know what I want in my life. I mean, me and Liz don't live together any more—since about nine months ago. I didn't want that. I couldn't actually get a life together for myself living with Liz, because we'd been together for 12 years. You know what I mean? Everything was like us. There was no Robin, it was like us, our friends, what should we do tonight. So things like me going out with the guys—that didn't ever happen.
So there have been a lot of big changes. I'm really like a teenager who's experiencing a lot of things that people experience in their late teens—emotional development. And I love it! It's quite exciting. I really don't know what I want. I don't know who I've been really, but I don't know how to be anything else. I enjoy making music but I don't enjoy making music that???, but I've come to accept all the trappings that go along with that like having a car and a home. I kind of got stuck in those ideals. And there have been wild changes, I tell you! I signed to an independent label and fucking hell, it turned into a major label! I just thought it would be cool to make our records the way we wanted to, not worrying about the marketing, not worrying about selling, not worrying about taking signals and giving people fucking jigsaws with the records and things like that! Everybody else thinks otherwise, and I'm left the only one thinking it's a shitty thing to do. But the rest of the band likes it for their own reasons, so I'm happy to go along with them. But I still don't like it! It goes against a lot of my own personal values. I'm the one who goes "no" all the time, and the two of them tell me I ought to do things. Like this 'Tonight Show' thing we're going to do. What?! Why in fuck are we doing that?! I don't want to do it. It's really embarrassing, but everybody really wants to do it. It's more than just me. I'm not in control in the same way I have been in the past."
Who came up with the idea to do the Tonight Show?
Probably some promotions person somewhere. Some sort of moron, you know what I mean? The idea in the music business is to fit every square peg into every round hole they can find. To be honest, it was getting to be like that at 4AD as well. As the level of sales and success goes up the pressure to play the game comes up as well. The reason we went in and found a label in the first place was because early on we were repulsed by that side of the music business.
You've had a lot of experience over the years producing other bands.
Not since I've been clean. It was something I used to get drugs. There were quite a few things I did I did to feed my drug habit. Most of the bands I've worked with have turned out good; and two or three bands that I've worked with, that you probably haven't heard of, stuff never came out of it. And towards the end of my using I did a couple of jobs just for cocaine. Really, I gave no value system. It got me off of the idea of working with other people. I really am ashamed of myself, thinking that they had nothing to offer. I think I could be a good producer. I think I am, at times, a good producer. But there were quite a few when I just fucked things up."
"As soon as you get out of your band and move into production, you're taken very seriously. I get paid half the rate that a "real" producer would get paid. Today I value myself more and I'm not going to let stuff like that happen to me anymore. I've got more self-respect." Are there any bands you'd like to produce?
"I'm definitely going to produce some people before doing another Cocteau Twins thing. I really want to clear my head from this tour, which has gotten to be tedious. I would always keep that face up, like 'Yeah, the tour's going great. I really enjoy it.' I could never be honest and tell people what was really going on, that I was not really enjoying it. I mean I could now; the show we just did in San Francisco about a week ago was really a fucking unpleasant gig! I suppose it was all right for the fans, especially if it's the only show they've seen. But on a personal level it's... I don't know, I just want it to be fuckin' better."
Are you getting sick of the songs?
"I like our songs. But, I mean, I'm sick of some of the new ones, as well as some of the old ones. The songs that were chosen were okay, but it would be nice to have a week off, time to learn five or six new songs, and teach them to the band. That would nice. That would be a luxury. We haven't got the time, so that's that. Every day off costs us X-thousand dollars, and we're losing money on this tour! I'm paying for it, ultimately, from my royalties. "I mean, I don't work for wages, but I do just as much work as everybody else. And I still go home when the tour's over and there are bills to pay, rent and taxes. But the truth is I don't have those 3-4 months' wages like everybody else with a regular job has. "If we just did a European tour, we'd save so much money and time and we wouldn't have to go through so much heartache. But we'd let down a lot of people who want to come and see us in the U.S. Is that fair to them? I think I might be becoming a bit reasonable in my old age, 'cause I used to think 'Fuck the fans—this is what I want!' You know? It's only fair to the people that if we've advertised the show and they've bought tickets, that we should do the show. So am I being true to my music? Or what am I being true to? I don't know. I'm trying to do the right thing. I always tried to do my thing—not the right thing."
Are you doing any shows in Australia?
No, we can't afford it. To do seven shows in Australia we'd lose about $45,000. That's too much to lose, but we're losing far more than that in the United States!
How old is your daughter Lucy, and what's the silliest thing she's ever done?
"Lucy's four. Absolutely fucking gorgeous. [He shows us her picture. He's right.] You should have seen her after Chicago, she got all her hair cut off. What's the silliest thing? She came on stage with us at the sound check and just took the mic and sung a whole song with the band playing. Don't know what song it was, but it was in tune. She was just "la-la-la-ing."
Is it difficult having kids on the tour?
"I think it's fantastic. Liz just sent her home. I miss her. I really miss her because it gives me a distraction and it means I'm not constantly worrying about fucking music performances!
And how is it with Liz?
It's fantastic. I like it. On a good day me and Liz are really good friends. On a good day...
Do you still call Mitsuo the "fat Japanese fuck"?
"No, he's the 'fucking Jap' at the moment. 'Where's the fucking Jap?' Mitsuo's a gorgeous human being, but I just don't understand it. He's the enigma of the band. He speaks less English now than when I first met him, but he understands ten times more! He's fantastic. That name calling is the sort of thing I used to really say and think it was funny when I was using drugs. I put people down and that made me really good. I just don't live my life that way any more.
You've obviously lost a lot of weight.
"I've lost 56 pounds since November. I've been fat all my life. My whole family is obese and it's cursed me a bit. I have about another 30 to go and I'm finding that really difficult to do. But it makes me happy. Things like that in life can really hold you back. If you're really hung up about being fat or being bald or something physical that makes someone not accept you as they should as a wonderful human being, with the pressure from society saying you should be thin or have hair. I've felt it more since I stopped taking drugs. I mean I wash now! I take care of myself."
(Read the rest of the article/interview in this forum thread.........)
http://www.cocteautwinsforums.com/showthread.php5?p=405543&highlight=cocteau+drugs#post405543
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Related Forum Threads:
Robin's Weblog December 2006 (http://www.cocteautwinsforums.com/showthread.php5?p=360528&highlight=cocteau+drugs#post360528)
Listening to Cocteau Twins While Using Drugs (http://www.cocteautwinsforums.com/showthread.php5?t=226&highlight=drug%2A)
Understanding Cocteau Twins (http://www.cocteautwinsforums.com/showthread.php5?p=8314)
Magnet Interview (http://www.cocteautwinsforums.com/showthread.php5?p=54597&highlight=cocteau+drugs#post54597)
That's really interesting, Leesa...... I can tell from the very first of your quotes by Robin that he's at least dabbled in a 12-step program. Then in the story it sounds like he went through rehab. I find it refreshing that he is so open about the subject.
Frosty the Snowman wasn't just about Christmas...
I never thought of CT as a druggy sort of band. They didn't sound trippy or fucked up, just pretty. Even when I was eating acid like a monkey when I was a kid, I never really thought of them as a DRUG band. They were kind of my grace card, so I guess it's ironic that they were strung out on coke! I'm glad I didn't know that when I was younger, it would have been, I don't know.... sort of sad , I guess..
but we all have our demons, don't we? And (hopefully) we get smarter as we get older.
Hey, it's all in the past now, let's look to the future, cleared eyed, feet in good nick.
(Although, it's always struck me that HOLV was the exception that proves (as in tests) the rule that you can't make good music on chang)
fornasetti
Apr-7-08, 2:10 PM
I once read something about heroine as well.
As in "Liz is my heroine" ?
Thanks. I've read quite a few of those interviews probably 2 times over. I was just curious about Liz's use because thats what the post on myspace was about. I know about Robin's use. I guess it's safe to say everyone did something.
Thackeray
Apr-7-08, 6:36 PM
Thanks. I've read quite a few of those interviews probably 2 times over. I was just curious about Liz's use because thats what the post on myspace was about. I know about Robin's use. I guess it's safe to say everyone did something.
Yes, however, I have never read about Liz and LSD. Would you mind copying and pasting what you read on myspace here? I perused all the interviews and history yesterday on their official site and found no reference to LSD.
As an aside, I lived in Europe during their heyday and LSD was very difficult to come into then. I actively sought it out daily to no avail. The only LSD that I was able to find came from American military bases.
Note that Robin says, "...too many hard drugs in the 80's has slightly confused my old mucker..."
And let me state that "hard drugs" are those that are potentially lethal per overdose and highly addictive as well. LSD is a soft drug in that it does not kill chemically and has an extremely high tolerance level which denotes it non-addictive.
Yes, however, I have never read about Liz and LSD. Would you mind copying and pasting what you read on myspace here? I perused all the interviews and history yesterday on their official site and found no reference to LSD.
As an aside, I lived in Europe during their heyday and LSD was very difficult to come into then. I actively sought it out daily to no avail. The only LSD that I was able to find came from American military bases.
Note that Robin says, "...too many hard drugs in the 80's has slightly confused my old mucker..."
And let me state that "hard drugs" are those that are potentially lethal per overdose and highly addictive as well. LSD is a soft drug in that it does not kill chemically and has an extremely high tolerance level which denotes it non-addictive.
I read it like a year or 2 ago and there seems to not be any CT groups on myspace at the moment.
Thackeray
Apr-7-08, 10:55 PM
Well then...we can say that it was possible that Liz tried it, however, without her confirmation we may never know no matter how doubtful I am that she actually did real LSD. There are so many fakes when it comes to drugs as well. One recipe for fake acid is spraying a can of raid on hard white paper and baking it in the oven at 250 f. for 25 minutes. Sad stuff.
Well then...we can say that it was possible that Liz tried it, however, without her confirmation we may never know no matter how doubtful I am that she actually did real LSD. There are so many fakes when it comes to drugs as well. One recipe for fake acid is spraying a can of raid on hard white paper and baking it in the oven at 250 f. for 25 minutes. Sad stuff.
Wow. I know very little about drugs. Really by choice. Fakes seem lame though. If you're going to do it, DO IT.
Thackeray
Apr-7-08, 11:18 PM
Fakes ARE LAME. Generally toxic and rarely inert. I'm not going to stand on a soap box and preach soft over hard drugs but I will say this. Anything potentially lethal IS potentially lethal.
Stay just as you ARE on this subject.
Have you taken LSD ?
Yes....I've done good Acid and bad Acid, and I admit that at the time the good Acid was an amazing experience....the bad Acid was probably the scariest experience I've ever had in my life.
For a variety of reasons, I wasted a lot of my earlier years snorting Charlie....why? Because it felt good, it made me feel good, it's like a total orgasm going on in your head and it's amazing and I 'er....developed a relationship with it and I had to seek professional assistance to help me stop that addiction because I knew eventually that my addiction had become a problem and I knew that I had to snort Charlie just to feel normal and I knew I just didn't have the willpower or anything to quit outside of a supervised environment.
I've done Speed as well and E....and I went to The Hacienda a lot in the late 80s and early 90s and everyone at that place was always doing E, it was accepted as the normal thing to do.
I've been clean for 11 years now though and I fully intend to stay that way.
I'm not sure why I've even posted this, I suppose I just can't resist threads about drugs and well, people have to be honest about themselves.
I don't know what it's like now, but back in the late 80s and early 90s I can totally understand how the CT were into doing drugs, because pretty much everyone I knew was doing drugs then, including me.
Make of this what you will, if it gives people a bad perception of how I am as a person, well then that's a shame....sometimes shit justs gets out of hand and you deal with it by blowing your mind.
"send money, drugs and guns and I'll play anywhere"
-Robin Guthrie, October 22/05 [SOURCE: CocteauTwinsForums.com Post]
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Can't send you any guns Robin but you're certainly welcome to join me and my husband target shooting in the panhandle national forest. Funny I listen to CT when I'm target shooting (usually HOLV to be exact) earbuds in sound dampening headphones on top. I knew the two went together :) Something about the rhythm helps me to pause enough and focus while I line up the sights.
When I did acid I could sing like Liz Fraser, happy days.
When I did acid I could sing like Liz Fraser, happy days.
Lol!
Whenever I was on Acid, I could really have written "songs", because I could smell sounds and see sounds....damn amazing stuff....I should have always kept a pad and a pen at hand during my trips.
I could have been big in the Neo-Psychedelia scene I bet....Spacemen 3 would have had nothing on my records!
Thackeray
Apr-8-08, 2:10 AM
A small portion of my 3 hours of song were actually written on acid.
ya know creativity always escaped me when I was on shrooms or acid. I wanted to write something profound or draw something beautiful but I'd look at it or read it a few days after and think it was like a 2yr old had written this, I was always embarrassed and would toss it. LOL, imagine if Morrison had acted the same way what a loss that would have been.
I love the fact that I did so much acid it really did enhance life for me introspectively.
mmmender
Apr-9-08, 3:44 AM
When I did acid I could sing like Liz Fraser, happy days.
:lol:
I was never big into taking LSD at all, in fact the last time I had it was in 1992.....and I refuse to ever take it again. That is of course due to the fact that the trip I had that time was so horrific I vowed never to take sid again for as long as I lived.....so far, so good....it's been 16 years.
The trip had me seeing fossils in my bathroom floor tiles.......and I lived in a studio/warehouse loft at the time, which had wood slats as the ceiling.....and wouldn't you know it but every little black knot in those wood slats turned into insects for me. I was terrified and hid under a blanket for literally hours.
Dpressed
Apr-9-08, 4:40 AM
I've been clean for 11 years now though and I fully intend to stay that way.
I'm not sure why I've even posted this, I suppose I just can't resist threads about drugs and well, people have to be honest about themselves.
I don't know what it's like now, but back in the late 80s and early 90s I can totally understand how the CT were into doing drugs, because pretty much everyone I knew was doing drugs then, including me.
Make of this what you will, if it gives people a bad perception of how I am as a person, well then that's a shame....sometimes shit justs gets out of hand and you deal with it by blowing your mind.
Don't worry Marina .. this place has the effect of making you post things that you didn't mean to & wouldn't post anywhere else. Just be careful as it looks like you're becoming another forum addict .... guilty as charged btw ... so just lie back & enjoy it.
mmmender
Apr-9-08, 5:03 AM
Make of this what you will, if it gives people a bad perception of how I am as a person, well then that's a shame....sometimes shit justs gets out of hand and you deal with it by blowing your mind.Marina, I for one REALLY appreciate your candidness here. I am a recovering addict myself (cocaine) and I've been very upfront and open with others here about my abuse of the drug. I spent the month of this past January in rehab! I still attend out-patient group recovery sessions several times a week. This may of course affect people's opinions about me as well, but I'd rather be upfront about it than keep it as a deep, dark secret, which is what my alcoholic father did (and still does) his entire life.
Thanks for sharing with us.
Don't worry Marina .. this place has the effect of making you post things that you didn't mean to & wouldn't post anywhere else. Just be careful as it looks like you're becoming another forum addict .... guilty as charged btw ... so just lie back & enjoy it.
Yeah, I'm getting worried that soon I'll lose control and be unable to stop myself from posting about this time I was in Marrakesh and had too many potent drinks and ended up standing on a table and doing a striptease....although my boyfriend at the time I remember did find the whole thing amusing.
I mean, one would think that people who like the Cocteau's would be quiet, little innocent things....now it seems that many of us at some point have been the wild and out-of-control types!
A forum addict? Being someone with an addictive personality, it's probably going to happen....some of my other serious addictions are Caffeine, I OD everyday on Espresso, it's getting really bad, I'm also addicted to the Mint Aero *swoon*
Originally posted by mmmender http://www.cocteautwinsforums.com/images/buttons/viewpost.gif (http://www.cocteautwinsforums.com/showthread.php5?p=516135#post516135)
Marina, I for one REALLY appreciate your candidness here. I am a recovering addict myself (cocaine) and I've been very upfront and open with others here about my abuse of the drug. I spent the month of this past January in rehab! I still attend out-patient group recovery sessions several times a week. This may of course affect people's opinions about me as well, but I'd rather be upfront about it than keep it as a deep, dark secret, which is what my alcoholic father did (and still does) his entire life.
Thanks for sharing with us.<!-- / message --><!-- sig -->
I wish you well with your own recovery, it's tough I know....and I'm glad you're upfront about being a recovering addict, because as we know, part of the recovery process is admitting to yourself that you have the problem.
I don't know why any of this should affect people's opinions about us, we're just people who probably had issues or whatever, and we chose to deal with them in the easiest way ie. zone the real world out and take ourselves to an alternate reality.
My ex-Brother-in-Law is an alcoholic, and like your Dad, he's in denial of his problem.
Like I said, you have to be honest with yourself and honest about yourself.
I'm still a Cocaine addict, just because I haven't done it for ages doesn't mean I'm not still an addict, I'll always be an addict, because I'll always have the urges to do it, like if I've had a bad day, I get tempted to just go and get some stuff, but I manage to resist doing that....it's a constant state of being in recovery.
If I'm watching a film and someone's snorting in a scene, that gives me the urge as well.
I somehow managed to do my job and hold down my job the entire time I was doing Cocaine and various other things, Speed was my other main addiction....but the Cocaine in particular made me a very selfish person, especially when I got home, because then my entire existance revolved around getting Cocaine and snorting and nothing else was as important as that.
I wasted a lot of my time and my money on feeding my addiction, I'm actually ashamed and pretty annoyed with myself still that I lost control over my situation.
I nearly took Cocaine again at a party last year, I was offered it, but I managed to resist, because I knew that the whole cycle of dependency would begin again....so I resisted taking it, but the thing was I WANTED to take it, which left me feeling very confused and guilty.
I was at first afraid of posting and sharing the fact that I'm a recovering Cocaine addict, because I thought that either I was going to get shouted at by a ton of people or I'd get banned or something.
I'm glad that people have been so sweet about it :)
elysium
Apr-9-08, 11:46 AM
Congrats and good wishes to all those in recovery. :)
people (especially older people who had listened to it in the 80s)
:crying: Oh that hurts.
Frosty the Snowman wasn't just about Christmas...
:lmao:
Y
I mean, one would think that people who like the Cocteau's would be quiet, little innocent things....
:crying::lmao::lmao::lmao:
mmmender
Apr-10-08, 2:53 AM
I wish you well with your own recovery, it's tough I know....and I'm glad you're upfront about being a recovering addict, because as we know, part of the recovery process is admitting to yourself that you have the problem...........I don't know why any of this should affect people's opinions about us, we're just people who probably had issues or whatever, and we chose to deal with them in the easiest way ie. zone the real world out and take ourselves to an alternate reality...............I'm still a Cocaine addict, just because I haven't done it for ages doesn't mean I'm not still an addict, I'll always be an addict...
Firstly, let me thank you for your candidness about your addiction issue. I'm actually, in some strange way, happy that you're here and that I now have someone who can completely understand and relate to my problem as well. It's just that (to my knowledge) no one else on this forum has ever exposed the fact that they had/have a cocaine problem.....so I take solace in knowing that you and I have something very personal in common.
I've had a few months clean time now, and as I mentioned before, spent the month of January in rehab. I know exactly what you mean when you talk about still considering yourself an addict, I completely agree as I feel the same is true for myself as well. I feel I will always been an addict, no matter how long it's been since I last used blow.
I can also relate to how you feel whenever you are greeted with those infamous "triggers" - that is when the struggle gets really bad and your strength and will power really have to come into play. I still get triggers every day from the simplest things like....my cellphone ringing.....finding an empty ½gram baggy in the house, using straws, listening to certain music, driving down certain streets, etc.....the list goes on.
I started snorting cocaine heavily when I was just 15 years old and I was addicted for 2 years straight, I finally stopped when I was 17. Just something came alive in me and I was able to quit cold-turkey because I had made the decision that I wanted to further my education and attend university, so I managed to quit. I vowed never to touch it again, even though as the years passed it was offered to me many times at parties, etc. I stayed clean from coke for a remarkable 17 years, until one day I hit a serious low and I knew that the quickest way "up" would be to get some blow. I can still remember the first time I used it again after those 17 years. I hid in my bathroom, did some lines, looked in the mirror and said to myself "this time it will be different, this time I won't get hooked"
Here I am 5 years after that night in the bathroom.....it took hold of me for the past 5 years of my life until I finally went into detox and then followed up with residential rehab just a mere 3 months ago. I had to stop using for many (obvious) reasons, but finding out from a plastic surgeon that my entire septum had disappeared due to such heavy cocaine use over those 5 years, I was floored. Now I have to be clean for a minimum of 6 months before I can get the surgery I need to replace my septum. To do this, the doctor will need to take a piece of my rib out and use it to replace my septum. This kind of surgery is no walk in the park, and I have only myself to blame.
Every day is a struggle for me, as I'm sure it is for you too. Just know that I'm here for you should you ever want to talk about your/our addiction, or if you just want to vent about it.
Thanks again for sharing your very personal story with us, I know it must not be easy revealing such embarrassing details about yourself, but I, for one, will not judge you at all. I can only hope that we can continue to encourage each other.
Leesa
Firstly, let me thank you for your candidness about your addiction issue. I'm actually, in some strange way, happy that you're here and that I now have someone who can completely understand and relate to my problem as well. It's just that (to my knowledge) no one else on this forum has ever exposed the fact that they had/have a cocaine problem.....so I take solace in knowing that you and I have something very personal in common.
Ditto, in some strange way, I'm happy that you're here as well, so I have someone who can relate to my problem too.
Maybe there are more of us, maybe they just haven't decided to mention it though.
I take solace as well that we have something very personal in common.
I've had a few months clean time now, and as I mentioned before, spent the month of January in rehab. I know exactly what you mean when you talk about still considering yourself an addict, I completely agree as I feel the same is true for myself as well. I feel I will always been an addict, no matter how long it's been since I last used blow.
Congratulations on staying clean since January, it's tough I know, it gets tougher each day the first few months, but you can do it, I know you can, I went through a terrible time but I stuck it out, I had to because it was either I stuck it out or I would die.
I was very, very near death on quite a lot of occasions during my full-on addiction....and I've lost some people, some of my friends did die and I still miss them and I think about them at least once a day.
I lost my best friend, my best friend since school, she OD'd right in front of me, I still have to live with that and will have to for the rest of my life.
When you start burying your friends, you know it's really time to get your shit together....but it didn't stop me right away, I just carried on doing Cocaine regardless for at least another four years, I couldn't stop, my Cocaine addiction was in control of my life and obviously eventually it would have been in control of my death.
I can also relate to how you feel whenever you are greeted with those infamous "triggers" - that is when the struggle gets really bad and your strength and will power really have to come into play. I still get triggers every day from the simplest things like....my cellphone ringing.....finding an empty ½gram baggy in the house, using straws, listening to certain music, driving down certain streets, etc.....the list goes on.
I actually strangely had one of those triggers today, when by pure chance I saw this bloke that I used to get Cocaine from and for a brief moment I thought to myself "I wonder if he's still dealing?"....I must have this willpower thing pretty good now because I just carried on as normal and went and got like four Espresso's instead!
I started snorting cocaine heavily when I was just 15 years old and I was addicted for 2 years straight, I finally stopped when I was 17. Just something came alive in me and I was able to quit cold-turkey because I had made the decision that I wanted to further my education and attend university, so I managed to quit. I vowed never to touch it again, even though as the years passed it was offered to me many times at parties, etc. I stayed clean from coke for a remarkable 17 years, until one day I hit a serious low and I knew that the quickest way "up" would be to get some blow. I can still remember the first time I used it again after those 17 years. I hid in my bathroom, did some lines, looked in the mirror and said to myself "this time it will be different, this time I won't get hooked"
What is it about the age of 15? I was 15 as well when I first started doing Cocaine, although it took me until I was 20 to become solidly addicted and then that went on for 7 nearly 8 years.
I can fully relate to that, because we've all told ourselves that we're not going to get hooked, and then of course we get hooked and then of course at the time we don't really care just as long as we get our regular supply of the stuff.
I'll admit that for some time I DID enjoy doing Cocaine, it was a very pleasurable thing and I did LIKE it....ditto with Speed, the first few months of doing Speed were....excuse my Serbo-Croatian....they were FANFUCKINGTASTIC!
But I became a different person really and I had to do things to hide the fact that I was addicted to Cocaine and to a lesser extent Speed.
I was worried about my pupils at work, my eye pupils obviously, and I bought a pair of really cool designer sunglasses, with not black lenses, but a really nice tinted lense and I actually told people at work that the Optician had told me I needed glasses, so that they thought the sunglasses were REAL glasses, when they weren't....and that was purely a total cover-up by me simply to cover-up on the off chance people at work getting a full view of my pupils.
Here I am 5 years after that night in the bathroom.....it took hold of me for the past 5 years of my life until I finally went into detox and then followed up with residential rehab just a mere 3 months ago. I had to stop using for many (obvious) reasons, but finding out from a plastic surgeon that my entire septum had disappeared due to such heavy cocaine use over those 5 years, I was floored. Now I have to be clean for a minimum of 6 months before I can get the surgery I need to replace my septum. To do this, the doctor will need to take a piece of my rib out and use it to replace my septum. This kind of surgery is no walk in the park, and I have only myself to blame.
I was in and out of rehab, my first attempts didn't go too well because I thought they were treating me like a four year-old....now in hindsight, I think a four year-old was probably MORE mature than I was at 27 or 28 years-old!
I had a perforated septum, holes in the septum which were caused by all the Cocaine snorting, when I breathed I had a whistling noise, I also used to get pretty chronic nosebleeds.
You have my full moral support for surgery to replace your entire septum....WOW! You must have been doing more blow than even ME and I thought NOBODY had done MORE blow than ME....'er EXCEPT Ike Turner OBVIOUSLY!
You have to have been clean for six months minimum, you can do it, you've been clean for three months, so you're halfway there already....I'll give you moral support whenever you need it, you only have to ask.
Every day is a struggle for me, as I'm sure it is for you too. Just know that I'm here for you should you ever want to talk about your/our addiction, or if you just want to vent about it.
Every day is a struggle yes, you just have to learn to stay positive.
We have a disease and it's a lifelong disease, it's treatable but it's not curable, and everyone who's been an addict has this lifelong disease, because each of us will always have the urges and the cravings forevermore.
We're not criminals, we're just people who have a lifelong disease.
I appreciate your offer of being here if I ever want to talk about my/our addiction or if I ever want to vent....same to you, if you ever need to talk about our addiction or vent about it, you know that I'm here for you as well :)
Thanks again for sharing your very personal story with us, I know it must not be easy revealing such embarrassing details about yourself, but I, for one, will not judge you at all. I can only hope that we can continue to encourage each other.
No problem :) Although I'm sure half the forum is probably reading our exchanges here with somewhat morbid fascination!
I'm glad you won't judge me, and you know I won't judge you either....and yes we can continue to encourage each other :)
I never heard or read about that one. The idea doesn't bother me.
As this originally was a CT and drugs thread, prior to mmmender and I like taking over discussing our own addiction problem....I suppose I'd better make a comment re. CT and drugs.
I do remember seeing ages ago a CT appearance on a Channel Four programme called "The White Room", I'm sure it's bound to be up on You Tube or something, but this programme was from around 1995 and I'd bet good money on the fact that Elizabeth Fraser went through that ENTIRE performance like she was at that VERY moment experiencing a bad Acid trip....in fact she was so out of it it was REALLY scary to watch.
I've actually just found said "The White Room" performance on You Tube, here's a link to it, Fraser in my opinion is definately on some wild shit, like I said, to me it looks like she's having a bad Acid trip throughout....in the close up's when she opens her eyes, that girls experiencing some alternate reality.
I hope it's okay to post this particular item, if not, then again the moderators can delete it should they wish....I'm not 100% familiar with what one can and cannot post as of yet, but I'm learning by the day I hope.
CT on "The White Room"....I've never been able to stand Mark Radcliffe - the presenter bloke in the dreadful green jacket - he's always been so pretentious and so far up his own arse....he's on BBC Radio 2 now I think, and no Mark Radcliffe will NEVER have the integrity that the GREAT John Peel had, Radcliffe will always be a pretentious and irritating little shite.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2iQpaUZP5t4&feature=related
There were several other times I saw them on the box in the mid-1980s and early 1990s and in close-up's Elizabeth Fraser's pupils are SO dilated it's not even funny....ditto some photographs, either the heavily dilated pupils or the looking totally spaced out.
I better not mention the video for "Carolyn's Fingers" where Elizabeth Fraser's pupils are not dilated but instead are constricted.
Without any confirmation it wouldn't be right to comment, but suffice to say, we all know what sort of chemical constricts the pupils.
If my comments here are considered inappropriate then the moderators can delete them and I'll have no problem with that.
Anthony
Apr-11-08, 12:34 AM
This thread has lead me to a trail of thoughts. I want to thank you Leesa for sharing with us the struggle you are going through. I have battled cocaine addiction 3 years and have, succefully acheived abstinence, but I now battle my greatest beast,,, alcool. I have been drinking now steadily for 20 years. I do not know how to start to end this... I wake up every morning with hope but when the evening comes I weaken.... I am searching for a way and will succeed, I will.
mmmender
Apr-11-08, 12:39 AM
Marina,
Thanks again for your candid reply. We really do have so very much in common. And for me it's very cathartic to be able to discuss it so openly here with you. I don't care if others are passing judgment, at least we are both being open and honest and not hiding our illness. It's certainly much more healthy to have it out in the open as the support of others while dealing with this is really quite important, and they probably don't even realise it.
In terms of how much coke I was doing, in order for my entire septum to dissolve, there was a point a few years back where I was doing an entire 8-ball on a daily basis. That's 3.5grams per day!! Near the end, I had it down to a manageable (if that's possible) gram per day. But it was those daily 8-balls that really did most of the damage, and that went on for a good 2 years. I'm just so happy to say that all of that is behind me now and I can only look towards tomorrow.
Thanks again for listening and sharing,
Leesa
mmmender
Apr-11-08, 12:41 AM
This thread has lead me to a trail of thoughts. I want to thank you Leesa for sharing with us the struggle you are going through. I have battled cocaine addiction 3 years and have, succefully acheived abstinence, but I now battle my greatest beast,,, alcool. I have been drinking now steadily for 20 years. I do not know how to start to end this... I wake up every morning with hope but when the evening comes I weaken.... I am searching for a way and will succeed, I will.Anthony, the change will come only when YOU are ready to accept change. People forcing you to stop drinking/using will not work, having zero money in your bank account still won't work, having your friends and family disown you still doesn't work. You have to come to the realisation that only you can decide when it's time to give in and admit that the addiction has taken control of your life. Only then can you begin the long road to recovery....and I do wish you all the best with your journey to being healthier and happier.
And, again....thank YOU for sharing your inner most private issues with the rest of us.
EDIT: In support of all of the wonderful responses in this thread, don't you think this thread deserves a thread vote of 5 stars? I do!
I don't think anyone in CT was on drugs after 93 or 94. Esp on acid during tv performances, that's pretty unlikely.
Dpressed
Apr-11-08, 10:38 AM
CT on "The White Room"....I've never been able to stand Mark Radcliffe - the presenter bloke in the dreadful green jacket - he's always been so pretentious and so far up his own arse....he's on BBC Radio 2 now I think, and no Mark Radcliffe will NEVER have the integrity that the GREAT John Peel had, Radcliffe will always be a pretentious and irritating little shite.
You're about to have your first argument .. & surprise surprise folks it's with me. Mark Radcliffe isn't & has never pretended to be John Peel ... but he's a DJ who is actually into music .... and as far as I'm concerned anyone who could 'stalk' the :smitten: Kate Bush until she gave him an interview can't be all bad. (When he did the 10pm to midnight show Radclaffe had a 'Bushometer' which had a posting for every day 'the blessed Kate' didn't give him an interview. By the time Ms Bush finally relented to promote Aeriel the Bushometer wound round most of the office)
Before he was famous Radcliffe was a radio producer ... I read an article in a local paper about somone who'd worked with Mark. The guy was called Tony Capstick ... a star in South Yorks. Tony was 'the talent' on the show & really liked & 'rated' Mark ... as does Ian McMillan who was a regular guest on the evening show. Both blokes are not backward in coming forward if they think someone is 'phoney'.
You're about to have your first argument .. & surprise surprise folks it's with me. Mark Radcliffe isn't & has never pretended to be John Peel ... but he's a DJ who is actually into music .... and as far as I'm concerned anyone who could 'stalk' the :smitten: Kate Bush until she gave him an interview can't be all bad. (When he did the 10pm to midnight show Radclaffe had a 'Bushometer' which had a posting for every day 'the blessed Kate' didn't give him an interview. By the time Ms Bush finally relented to promote Aeriel the Bushometer wound round most of the office)
Before he was famous Radcliffe was a radio producer ... I read an article in a local paper about somone who'd worked with Mark. The guy was called Tony Capstick ... a star in South Yorks. Tony was 'the talent' on the show & really liked & 'rated' Mark ... as does Ian McMillan who was a regular guest on the evening show. Both blokes are not backward in coming forward if they think someone is 'phoney'.
Okay, maybe I was a wee bit heavy-handed about Mark Radcliffe, it's just I'm very sensitive about John Peel and when I think someone might be trying to be the new John Peel.
I'd listened to Peel since I was 11 years-old, when I was fiddling with the dial on my little radio and I found his programme and I stayed listening to him right up until he went to Peru and passed away :(
I adored that man, ADORED him....I'd say at least 90% of my record collection wouldn't exist were it not for John Peel introducing me to stuff.
I can't put into words how much I miss John Peel, I'll always miss him, it's left a void, I'll never really get over him not being around anymore.
So I'll take back my heavy-handed comments about Mark Radcliffe.
Of course the REAL pretentious twat is and always WILL be Steve Fucking Lamacq, I HATE that bastard....always have, always will....when I used to write for a friend of mine's now defunct fanzine, I had my own column where I could just rant away about how much I hated Steve Lamacq....and people used to write in and tell me they agreed with me and that they hated him as well.
It was great!
I quite like Gideon Coe though I must say, I'm quite fond of BBC Radio 6, Guy Garvey's programme is quite good as well.
Gideon Coe when he was on in the morning, he once played Sonic Youth's "The Diamond Sea" in it's entirity and it goes on way past 11 minutes! Fab stuff!
Originally posted by ossian http://www.cocteautwinsforums.com/images/buttons/viewpost.gif (http://www.cocteautwinsforums.com/showthread.php5?p=517296#post517296)
I don't think anyone in CT was on drugs after 93 or 94. Esp on acid during tv performances, that's pretty unlikely.
<!-- / message -->
Well some people have been known to relapse you know....there was another TV appearance from a different programme of the CT doing the same song as the one on "The White Room" and Fraser is even more out of it in that performance, wild eyes all over the place throughout.
I'm going on appearance, and I'm going on the look of her eyes, the eyes are the windows to the soul, the eyes don't lie.
Of course for some bizarre reason, Elizabeth Fraser during those two TV performances could have just been pretending that she was was on drugs during those performances....although why one would go on the TV and pretend they were on drugs, I don't know.
I should add, that obviously I have no problem with anyone doing drugs, as I've pointed out already, I was on drugs myself for years.
However, just because I might like someone, I'm not going to wrap them up in cotton wool and pretend that they haven't been as flawed as I've been, or have had the same illness as me.
If somebody can actually 100% confirm that Fraser wasn't back doing drugs after 1994, then I'll take all of my comments back.
But from what I've seen from two TV performances after 1994, in my opinion, Fraser appeared to be on drugs during those two TV performances....looked like acid on one and some upper drug on the other one.
Dpressed
Apr-11-08, 6:38 PM
I adored that man, ADORED him....I'd say at least 90% of my record collection wouldn't exist were it not for John Peel introducing me to stuff.
I can't put into words how much I miss John Peel, I'll always miss him, it's left a void, I'll never really get over him not being around anymore.
So I'll take back my heavy-handed comments about Mark Radcliffe.
I quite like Gideon Coe though I must say, I'm quite fond of BBC Radio 6, Guy Garvey's programme is quite good as well. .
No worries Marina ... I know many people are very protective of John Peel so can well understand you objecting to someone who you think is trying to upserp John's memory. I just thought you were wrong in this case. btw I actually like people disagreeing with me so don't back down if you think your right.
I've never heard Gideon Coe ... but love Guy Garvey on a Sunday night. It's obvious Garvey is someone who loves music & plays what he likes rather than what he thinks 'in' people will approve of.
No worries Marina ... I know many people are very protective of John Peel so can well understand you objecting to someone who you think is trying to upserp John's memory. I just thought you were wrong in this case. btw I actually like people disagreeing with me so don't back down if you think your right.
I've never heard Gideon Coe ... but love Guy Garvey on a Sunday night. It's obvious Garvey is someone who loves music & plays what he likes rather than what he thinks 'in' people will approve of.
Thanks for being understanding about how it's easy for someone like me to get very protective about John Peel.
I do think that maybe I went off slightly unfairly on Mark Radcliffe though, so....
Gideon Coe used to be on at 10am in the morning, he's on from 10pm next week, although I'm deliberately going to ignore the fact that unfortunately on Thursday it seems he's got to play highlights of the God-awful REM at the Royal Albert Hall....a magnificent venue, why has it cheapened itself by having the eternally shite REM playing there, I don't know.
Guy Garvey's programme is good, I agree with you that he obviously loves music and obviously just plays what he likes and not what he thinks the "in" people will approve of....unlike Steve Fucking Lamacq who's such a pretentious arse-licker, a truly pathetic individual....evidence of this to me is that he likes Hot Chip and Reverand And The Makers and Interpol, which really ought to be made criminal offenses.
When I'm Prime Minister, liking such things will be criminal offenses.
For now actually I need to start a blog, I can just feel that rant mode is gearing up!
I think that the "crazy eyes" things was just part of Liz's shtick, you know? I don't think it was meant to be taken like she was tripping, or that she was pretending to be on drugs. I think it just was part of her act. Just like the way she stretched out words and turned them inside out. It all added to the otherworldly quality of their image.
btw, one of the best things about getting sober, besides the sanity, is all the $$$ you can save. Serious.
I think that the "crazy eyes" things was just part of Liz's shtick, you know? I don't think it was meant to be taken like she was tripping, or that she was pretending to be on drugs. I think it just was part of her act. Just like the way she stretched out words and turned them inside out. It all added to the otherworldly quality of their image.
btw, one of the best things about getting sober, besides the sanity, is all the $$$ you can save. Serious.
Maybe it was part of her thing, you could be right.
The part I've bolded, couldn't agree with you more, I wasted a ton of money, I still get pissed off with myself thinking how much money I did waste....but strangely, I still mourn my loss, I mean I do still miss not doing Cocaine, it was always there to pick me up, it never failed me, it never let me down and I do still mourn my loss....I know that probably sounds weird, but it's true.
Now I just blow my money on records instead of blowing my money on blow!
I hope I didn't give the impression I was judging anyone for drug use/abuse. In fact, I have very little interest in CT and drugs. I just wanted to see if the rumors I've heard on myspace had any substance.
If I did offend someone, I'm sorry. That was not my intention.
Thackeray
Apr-13-08, 3:54 PM
First I want to say Hurray to the open honest contributers of this thread and secondly that if anyone needs help/advice in the matters of quitting drugs that they feel free to contact me on this. Many of us already know that I have in my past taken and been addicted to the hardest drugs out there (heroin, cocaine, meth, pcp,) and that due to 2 fatal auto-accidents I must live as an prescribed opium addict (morphine, diluadid, methadone etc.) during the cold seasons so as to prevent stroke or heartattack and must quit when it warms up every year experiencing hallucinations / deathly illness for a period of 2 weeks every time. I am experienced in these matters, moreover, I have personally taken over 5,000 individual hits of LSD and countless other hallucinogens in the case someone needs information/support in that area.
So, if anyone would like some advice about quitting anything I'm sure that I can be of help providing first hand knowledge and experience that is sure to help you in successfully quitting. Diet is so very important in detoxing. Please feel free to PM me or ask for my email.
I hope I didn't give the impression I was judging anyone for drug use/abuse. In fact, I have very little interest in CT and drugs. I just wanted to see if the rumors I've heard on myspace had any substance.
If I did offend someone, I'm sorry. That was not my intention.
Well, Homely, I know that Marina was worried that some of us might be thinking critical about mentioning past usages but since and before you've posted this there has been nothing concrete put out by anyone to that effect so far as I know so "WE ARE ALL OKAY" so far as I can tell :)
No offenses taken none put out :)
Baddy2shoos
Apr-13-08, 5:27 PM
I'm just so glad I don't do that stuff anymore. So, so glad.
I hope I didn't give the impression I was judging anyone for drug use/abuse. In fact, I have very little interest in CT and drugs. I just wanted to see if the rumors I've heard on myspace had any substance.
If I did offend someone, I'm sorry. That was not my intention.
It was just my random bout of paranoia materialising is all, and then it sort of went into mini-overdrive, so it's me who needs to apologise for causing any confusion.
Sorry.
I've actually just found said "The White Room" performance on You Tube, here's a link to it, Fraser in my opinion is definately on some wild shit, like I said, to me it looks like she's having a bad Acid trip throughout....in the close up's when she opens her eyes, that girls experiencing some alternate reality.
Naive little me...I always read that as a combination of stagefright and being 'into the music'.
But seeing it now she does look like she's out of it...esp around 1.50 minutes.
No, I don't think so. Her pupils aren't dilated and anyway, isn't she pregnant? I'd be very surprised if she'd taken something like that.
It was just my random bout of paranoia materialising is all, and then it sort of went into mini-overdrive, so it's me who needs to apologise for causing any confusion.
Sorry.
No need to apologise at all :)
No need to apologise at all :)
Thanks for being so cool and understanding about this, I do appreciate it :)
by the sea
Apr-16-08, 3:43 AM
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