Robin Guthrie/Cocteau Twins spoof articles

[fornasetti]

I did not write these, I swear. I found them on the interwebs...

Please don't shoot the messenger.

[fornasetti]

In this new section, Cocteau Twins guitarist Robin Guthrie reviews cheeses from across the globe in his usual curiously grim manner.

Edam

I’ve always found the Wax to be a complete burden. You’d be sitting there cutting bits off it and all of a sudden you’d come to the red part and you’d be a bit lost for words. Usually I end up with a slice which contains half wax and half cheese and in that situation I just eat it. It’s the easiest way really. I’m just worried about the prospect of one day shitting a major wax ball. That could cause some serious anal complaints at some point in the future. It won’t stop me from eating them though.

Cheddar

It’s the old favourite isn’t it? Frankly I’m quite bored of it. It’s something your ma would always buy for the sandwiches and it just become too commonplace for it be exciting. I do still have the odd bit of it now and again just for nostalgia’s sake, nothing more. There are other cheeses out there that seriously kick its ass though. Most of them do in fact.

Danish Blue

Everytime I eat Danish blue I can hear my arteries close over just a little bit more. It’s terrifying. You bite into it and you know your chlorestrol score is going to go up by about 100 points. Regardless, it’s fucking tasty. I wouldn’t buy a whole block of it though. Instead I prefer to buy the little squares you can get in pic n mixes. Usually I’d just go down to the Co-op and buy some of it from the Cheese Pic N Mix section. You can get about 5 cubes for £1 which is incredible value.

Gouda

I could never really tell the difference between this and Edam. I think Gouda is Edam’s pailer less pronounced cousin. That said, I can have no complaints as it is a tasty little number. Goes well with a glass of chardonnay after spending a hard day moping around the house.

Leerdammer

Don’t believe the hype. Leerdammer is shite. I first heard of this during an episode of Midsommer Murders, I believe they were the sponsors. From the commercial it looked like heaven and I used to spend hours in Tesco trying to find it without much luck. I finally found it one day in Sainsburys and was so excited about the prospect of finally tasting it that I went out to the car and opened the container and began eating it before starting the car’s engine. I ended up throwing the package out of the window in disgust. It really isn’t that nice.

Camembert

Fuck, Camembert is an odd one isn’t it? It’s hardly the prettiest thing to look at in the world. There’s something about its texture that is instantly appealing. You bite into it and inside the tough curd is this chewy bit which is quite excellent. I try to swallow this down whenever I can with a nice glass of wine as the aftertaste tends to remind me of paint stripper.

Feta

Urgghhhhh. Is this actually cheese? It reminds me of cubified bile. Seriously, it is that bad. It’s like putting your own vomit in a freezer and shaking salt and vinegar all over it and eating it back in. It really isn’t pleasant. It didn’t stop me from eating it though. I mean I spent about £2 on this stuff and I wanted value for my money. Besides after a while I thought I was growing used to the taste but I was just fooling myself however.

Jarlsberg

It’s a novelty cheese and nothing more. There just isn’t really a discernable taste to it at all. If I want a cheese with holes in it I’ll get out the cordless drill and start making my own thank you very much. I mean how fucking presumptious are the manufacturers of this shite? It’s kinda like the polo mint thing. They are trying to reel you in with this less is more bullshit but it won’t stick with Guthers! Oh no!

[fornasetti]

the cocteau’s started life as a banshee’s tribute band eager to exert their haunting musical approach on such classics as “bleached dry like a cockney whale” and “but i am”. the band's early years were marked by much turbulence. an ongoing row between robin and elizabeth over who should impersonate siouxsie threatened to cut short the bands career. robin was adamant that he was the ideal fellow for the job. he spent many a night in his home in grangemouth home attempting to perfect the trademark siouxsie sioux pout.

liz was not impressed. in a fiery interview between the couple in the winter 1983 edition of the grangemouth times liz was reported to have said “yer a fucking bastard you are guthrie! you look nothing like siouxsie! you may be able to pout like her but you’ve got nothing on me!”

what sparked the row is as yet unknown but many insiders have reported that liz found a bottle of peroxide inside robin’s coat pocket along with a note which apparently read “fuck you fraser, once my hairs blonde you wont be able to take away my birthright. i was born to be siouxsie. you, my dear woman are nothing but a treacherous leech! sure you may have a vocal range that rivals jarvis cocker’s! you do not however possess what it takes to be a worldwide phenomenon!”

at the beginning of 1984, bassist “billy boy” heggie decided that he had enough of this hilarious in-fighting and thought that it would be best if he left the band and instead audition for a role in scottish television’s new soft porn serial “take the high road”. guthrie – who was extremely upset by the loss of his close friend decided to make up for any ill feelings between them by writing the theme tune to the show. the new “take the high road” theme tune was an instant classic and made its way into the uk single charts – debuting at #5.

delighted with the singles success the band decided that it was now time to begin composing their own hits. since elizabeth was too busy compiling new, comical ways to inflict pain upon the gruffster, the lyrical duties fell down to robin. he did not waste time getting stuck in either. his first lyric “ack aye guinness” (commonly mispelt as aikea guinea) was a vicious attack on a deaf bar man who would not supply him with his drink of choice. guthrie stated in the NME “yeah, my first lyric. its a bit of a fucking shambles really. at the time i wrote it i was sinking about 30-40 pints a day and you can sort of tell that from the coarseness of the prose”

the chorus to the song, seems to be an impassioned plea from a man at his wits end.

fuck, please
please
guiness, lager ahoy!
dont make me fucking slap yer!
he he he he he he

a week after its release “ach aye guinness” went straight to the top spot of the uk charts, leaving both the public and the band spellbound. after interviewing a key representative of the british public for the music weekly melody maker, the interviewee claimed “no one bought it, in fact i’ve never heard of the band or the song, are they death metallists?”. things looked rather fishy. how did the song get to number one if not a single soul bought it? cue crimewatch.

on the april 1985 edition of the british crime appeal programme crimewatch, a bearded man of “stocky build and poetic tongue” could be seen ramraiding over 50 different HMV outlets across the country with a forklift truck. police are still oblivious to the man’s real identity, although they are optimistic of finding their man due to the wealth of evidence left behind at the scene. according to derek cock of the metropolitian police “16 empty packets of smoky bacon crisps, a can of tuna and a note reading ‘fucking ell raymonde, we’re going to the top!’.were found on location at the glasgow branch”.

police investigations aside, the band were very much on a high. around this time liz was drinking around a quart of gin a day, guthrie around a quart of gin an hour and their new recruit simon, well he was sober for just a while after this. the band found raymonde on a murky street corner in skegness performing a strikingly coherent version of captain beefhearts “one life, one cock” on acoustic guitar. although the band were looking for a bassist, they decided they liked the cut of raymonde so much that he could take over guthers job as lead guitarist, relegating sir gristle-a-lot to keyboards and bass.

tension was building within the camp. 4ad were constantly demanding an album. robin was constantly demanding curling tongs. none of the band could be bothered. raymonde was already tired of the in-fighting and decided to spend as little time as possible with the warring couple. he dedicated most of his waking hours to leggy blondes, rum and duran duran concerts.

in a vain last stab at success, mr guthrie attempted to ease pressure from 4ad by recording himself wanking off a guitar for around 40 minutes. he decided to secretely record liz fraser’s insane ramblings by bugging her with a microphone. guthrie went on to explain “lorelei – how i laughed at that one. she was arguing with a dustbin. i mean she’s always arguing with household appliances. she tries to speak in their own language. i mean i’ve spent many an hour trying to explain to her that she’s not going to get any sense out of them but she just won’t listen”

the album was completed within a couple of hours and was released to the market under the title “She May Have The Voice Of God But She Argues With Frigging Kitchen Appliances!”. the album completely bombed and the band decided to split soon afterwards.

all three members now work in chip shops in grangemouth. how fucking romantic.

[paulr]

:lol: - ach aye guinness, indeed

[mortalcoil]

Heh, funny stuff.
Where did you find these?

[2Pizza]

I also love Guinness :)

[fornasetti]

Heh, funny stuff.
Where did you find these?

http://www.drunkenhero.com/category/music/cocteau_cocteau

[frarn]

the style of that prose brings to mind a specific writer .... but I couldn't possibly comment in any way whatsoever ....